After a lengthy review of coach Jim Tressel’s book, The Winners Manual, I thought it was time to take a break with some humorous quotes and stories I’ve accumulated over the years. ENJOY!
“I read an article that said the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, and a large bag of M&Ms. I feel better already.”
Now that’s what I’m talking about!
Dave was proud of his new fishing boat and loved being behind the wheel. However, being the responsible husband, he was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Honey, take the wheel… Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.”
So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it.
Later that evening, she walked into the living room where her husband was watching his favorite football team on TV. She sat down next to him, switched the TV off, and said to him,
“Honey, I want you to go into the kitchen. Pretend I’m having a heart attack. Set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “University of Auburn.”
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked someone from the back of the audience.
I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. ‘Hon,’ I suggested, ‘Why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”
The voice from the back asked, “Did it save time?”
The expert replied, “Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.”
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and called him into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of soft patsy place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. John Darling.”
“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. They began to argue over who got the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you can be Jesus!”
A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade about the long hours her husband spends at work, virtually ignoring her needs. She goes on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits down quietly in a daze. The counselor then turns to the husband and says, “That’s what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you make sure that happens?”
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I have to work late so she’ll have to get here herself.”
Joe had been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night’s sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stopped seeing the psychoanalyst and decided to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe’s former psychoanalyst met his old client in the supermarket, and was surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. “Doc!” Joe said, “It’s amazing! I’m cured!”
“That’s great news!” the psychoanalyst responded. “You seem to be doing much better. What happened?”
“I went to see my grandson,” Joe said enthusiastically, “and he cured me in just ONE conversation!”
“One?!” the psychoanalyst asked incredulously.
“Yeah,” continued Joe, “my grandson is a carpenter.”
“A carpenter?” the psychoanalyst asked. “How did he cure you in one session?”
“Oh, easy,” Joe replied. “He told me to cut the legs off of my bed.”
I hope you’ve enjoyed this change of pace with a little humor to sooth our souls.
See you next week for more Wisdom Matters!