A Little More Humor!

Well, my “spring break” lasted a little longer than I originally anticipated. However, for better or worse, I’m baaaack!

There is so much going on in the world today that needs to be addressed, however, rather than dive right into the serious stuff I thought I’d keep it on the light side with this post after a few weeks away.

For all of you who may have the responsibility of evaluating employee performance, or know someone who does, the evaluation below may be just what you’re looking for!

I found this on Dan Miller’s blog at 48Days.com. ENJOY!


The Perfect Employee Evaluation

In response to your request for an evaluation of Bob:

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

5 minutes later -Addendum:
That idiot was looking over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc.) for my true assessment of his ability.

Regards,
Project Leader


Short and sweet this week. Feel free to share.

See you next week for more Wisdom Matters!

More Humor-Through the Eyes of a Child!

So the story goes: A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

Whether or not you know many of the historical accounts found in the Bible, you may find this child’s book report interesting to say the least!

This child’s report may even prompt you to pick up a Bible and read the real accounts for yourself. It will make the version below all the funnier!


The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would
have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,
bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your
neighbor’s stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in  Bethlehem in a barn.

(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

Then all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.


I must say, that is quite a condensed version of the Bible!

I hope you’ll take time to read the real one, and I should warn you, it will take quite a bit longer than this version but it will be well worth your time to do so!

See you next week for more Wisdom Matters!

Time For Some Humor!

Having spent the last few weeks opining about all the craziness going on in our political arena, I felt it was time to take a deep breath and find some humor to lighten my heavy heart! I hope it will lighten your heart and spirit as well.

Shown below is an actual letter that an 86 year old woman sent to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


A  SENIOR’S LETTER TO HER BANK

“Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.  By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.  I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be  accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.   When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Your Humble Client.

Remember: This was written by an  86 year old woman. And remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to set us off.”


Now that was one creative and determined “seasoned” citizen!

See you next week for more Wisdom Matters!

Taking A Break With Some Humor!

 After a lengthy review of coach Jim Tressel’s book, The Winners Manual, I thought it was time to take a break with some humorous quotes and stories I’ve accumulated over the years. ENJOY!


“I read an article that said the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, and a large bag of M&Ms. I feel better already.”

Now that’s what I’m talking about!


Dave was proud of his new fishing boat and loved being behind the wheel.  However, being the responsible husband, he was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Honey, take the wheel…  Pretend that I am having a heart attack.  You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.”

So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it.

Later that evening, she walked into the living room where her husband was watching his favorite football team on TV.  She sat down next to him, switched the TV off, and said to him,

“Honey, I want you to go into the kitchen.  Pretend I’m having a heart attack.  Set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”


One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “University of Auburn.”


The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?” asked someone from the back of the audience.

I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. ‘Hon,’ I suggested, ‘Why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”

The voice from the back asked, “Did it save time?”

The expert replied, “Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.”


The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and called him into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of soft patsy place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. John Darling.”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. They began to argue over who got the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you can be Jesus!”


A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”


 A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade about the long hours her husband spends at work, virtually ignoring her needs. She goes on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits down quietly in a daze. The counselor then turns to the husband and says, “That’s what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you make sure that happens?”

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I have to work late so she’ll have to get here herself.”


 Joe had been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night’s sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stopped seeing the psychoanalyst and decided to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe’s former psychoanalyst met his old client in the supermarket, and was surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. “Doc!” Joe said, “It’s amazing! I’m cured!”

“That’s great news!” the psychoanalyst responded. “You seem to be doing much better. What happened?”

“I went to see my grandson,” Joe said enthusiastically, “and he cured me in just ONE conversation!”

“One?!” the psychoanalyst asked incredulously.

“Yeah,” continued Joe, “my grandson is a carpenter.”

“A carpenter?” the psychoanalyst asked. “How did he cure you in one session?”

“Oh, easy,” Joe replied. “He told me to cut the legs off of my bed.”


I hope you’ve enjoyed this change of pace with a little humor to sooth our souls.

See you next week for more Wisdom Matters!

More Humor!

I hope you had a good hardy laugh from last week’s post! This week I’ll share one more humorous story since health experts say laughing is good for us.

This story comes from a book I’m rereading and plan to share with you next week. Tim Hansel’s book, Eating Problems for Breakfast, will provide great wisdom on simple, creative ways to solve any problem.

Tim Hansel says this story “illustrates what can happen when we fail to define our problems properly”.


An English woman looking for a room in Switzerland asked the schoolmaster of the village where she wanted to live to help her. After finding a place that suited her, she returned to London for her baggage. Once there, however, she remembered that she hadn’t asked about a bathroom, or ‘water closet,’ as she called it. So she wrote the village schoolmaster with her question, referring to these facilities in her letter as a “WC.”

The schoolmaster, puzzled by these initials, sought the help of a parish priest. The priest decided the woman must be asking about a wayside chapel.

You can imagine the woman’s confusion when she received the following letter from the schoolmaster:

Dear Madam:

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter. But I now take the pleasure in informing you that a “WC” is located about 9 miles from the house, in the center of a beautiful grove of trees. It is capable of seating 250 people at a time. It is open Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday each week. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago. It was so crowded we had to stand the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. Likewise, it may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband the first time in the “WC,” and they were later married in the “WC.”

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you should decide to come for a visit, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.

Yours truly                                                                                                                                         The Schoolmaster


As you can see, it pays to define our problems properly! Hopefully, by the time we’ve completed the overview of Hansel’s book, Eating Problems for Breakfast, we’ll have a better understanding of how to properly define problems and be better equipped to simply and creatively solve them!

You can download a free copy of the story above at my website Wisdom-Matters by clicking on the “Free Resources” tab.

NOTE: Please see my full disclosure policy on my usage of Hyper-Links for additional information.

See you next week for more Wisdom-Matters!

You’ll Laugh ‘Til You Cry!

The 6-Part overview of Rick Warren’s book The Purpose Driven Life was lengthy but filled with a tremendous amount of wisdom for living life to the fullest. I don’t know about you but it felt like drinking water from a fire hydrant to me at times! Overwhelmingly powerful and refreshing.

This week I’m going to move from the serious to the hysterical for a change of pace. If you’ve never read anything by Dave Barry, you are in for a real treat! His account of preparing for his first colonoscopy has to be one of the funniest stories I’ve ever read! Fasten your seat belt for this one. ENJOY!

I hope Barry’s humor will not offend you, however I do sincerely apologize in advance to anyone who may not react to his story as I did! I’ll admit it’s a lot funnier if you’ve already experienced prepping for a colonoscopy!


This Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 22, 2008:

“I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, “HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!”

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ”MoviPrep,” which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes — and here I am being kind — like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ”a loose watery bowel movement may result.” This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ”What if I spurt on Andy?” How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate.

”You want me to turn it up?” said Andy, from somewhere behind me. “Ha ha”, I said.

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking “Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine . . .”

. . . and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


Dave Barry’s brother, Sam, had his first colonoscopy at age fifty and was diagnosed with the early stages of colon cancer. By catching it early Sam was able to beat the odds of a more serious and life-threatening diagnosis! Here’s how Barry ended his story:

“Which brings us to you, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. Over-50-And-Hasn’t-Had-a-Colonoscopy. Here’s the deal: You either have colo-rectal cancer, or you don’t. If you do, a colonoscopy will enable doctors to find it and do something about it. And if you don’t have cancer, believe me, it’s very reassuring to know you don’t. There is no sane reason for you not to have it done”.

He’s right, there is a great deal of wisdom in his humorous story!

Full disclosure—today there’s an alternative to MoviPrep which is much easier to consume and provides the same results. Trust me, I know!

See you next week with a little more humor.